I’ve been reading Shauna Niequists second book entitled “Bittersweet.” Every time I pick up this book I feel inspired. Her honesty, intention and transparency is something I truly admire. Her words make me want to write and create, to listen harder and express my love toward those I too often take for granted. I have done a lot of taking for granted this past year. I have gotten so wrapped up in myself and the obstacles placed in front of me that I have allowed myself to forget how blessed I truly am.
This May I graduated with my MSW and for the first time since I was 13 I realized I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do, vocationally. I was terrified. I felt like I just spent six years of my life getting higher education degrees and spending thousands of dollars to realize I wasn’t who I thought I was. I applied for jobs I didn’t feel called to, I cried and cried and justified and reasoned and hoped and cried some more. I questioned my purpose, my friendships, my marriage and my faith. It was my responsibility to provide for Bryan and I while he finished school and I wasn’t doing it. I couldn’t do it. But I can do everything. Or at least that is the façade I have always worked so hard at achieving. I am in control, I am strong and confident and I don’t let things get to me. Wrong.
I felt my pride slipping out of my grasp. No matter what I did or said or how I acted it was becoming obvious to me and I feared, obvious to everyone else. Maybe she’s not as composed and put together as we thought… maybe she’s not who we thought. That is my biggest fear, and a fear I might believe every woman holds a piece of. The fear that if you really knew me, if you really understood who I was, you would turn and run - quickly. I feared that others were beginning to see through me. The person that I worked so hard to create was beginning to crack. My prideful, composed self was becoming compromised and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. And it just kept going… I couldn’t find a job, which meant we didn’t have an income. I have always been so good with money, I’ve always saved, budgeted and spent consciously but now - there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t find a job, we didn’t have an income and our funds were slowly running out. Which meant one thing... We needed to ask for help. Help? You want ME to ask for help? “Come on God, you can make this work” I thought… Then our car broke down. We bought new brakes… without help. Then it broke again… again, we fixed it. Then it came time to pay rent… I started nannying.
Miserable. But at least we didn’t have to ask for help right? Wrong again. Bryans’ loans didn’t cover tuition. Seriously God? What are you trying to do to me? Don’t you see that I’m doing everything I can? And then it all hit me at once. I was doing everything I could - and that’s all I was doing. I wasn’t letting anyone else, friends, family, my husband or God help me. My fingers were clenched so tight around what little bit of pride I had left that I wasn’t able to accept anything better.
And thus, a turning point.
I asked for help. But before that, I asked for forgiveness; forgiveness from God, from my husband and from myself. I decided then that I needed to change. I need to allow myself to accept the person I really am and not just the person I want to be. It was time to give up and give in. It is time I start letting God take some of the burden off of my incessantly sore shoulders. And so here I am - still applying for jobs, still wondering where my next step will be. Trying each day to trust God and those around me a little bit more, reminding myself that it is OK to ask for help.
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